BAUER, JOHN

John Bauer’s Predictions for 2008
I predict there will be a multi-million dollar judgment against the makers of Cymbalta, the anti-depressant drug. The relatives of a pour soul who commits suicide after watching their TV commercial countless times, with its relentlessly depressing tone, will sue and win.

I predict that sometime in early summer, when families prepare to take their driving vacation (because they can’t afford to fly), the price of gasoline will spike to $4.00 a gallon. We will all sigh with relief when the price settles back down around $3.50.

I predict that television watching will become particularly bleak when the summer replacement shows begin. The ever-creative TV execs will attempt variations on the current crop of low-cost, money-making reality/game shows to come up with new shows like "Are You Dumber Than A Rock?" and "Celebrity Wife Swap." How about making a show called "The Biggest Big Brother" where they bring overweight people ala "The Biggest Loser" into the setting for "Big Brother." Wait… that’s pretty much what "The Biggest Loser" is anyway. (Please don’t forward these ideas to any TV executives – I don’t really want these reality shows to become reality).

I predict that Brittany Spears, distraught over losing custody of her two children, will attempt to conceive two more kids with the first bozo that crosses her path. I also predict she will do a TV Christmas special from prison where she will be incarcerated for five to seven years for mortally wounding a tabloid photographer with her Mercedes convertible. She will be sporting a tattoo on the back of her shaved head professing her love for her prison bitch, Bertha.

I predict that at the end of 2008, we will be preparing for the inauguration of President Hillary Clinton. (It’s a prediction, not a wish). Former President Bill Clinton will be ready to prowl the halls and back rooms of the White House once again, but now with more time for the big job. Unfortunately for Hillary, it will be awhile before her blue dress gets stained.

I predict that Conservatives, not wanting to be pushed out of the limelight, will continue (yes continue, because this is something they are doing now) to defend the right of televangelists to make ungodly amounts of money at the expense of the weak and naive people of this country, while violating the laws for non-profit organizations. It may be immoral and illegal, but who said that two wrongs don’t make it Right?

The picture was taken at Mt. Hood in Oregon , on vacation in September 2007. People were still skiing and snowboarding in that patch of snow behind my shoulders, and continuing down the snowy gully to my left.